INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.
The room is tense. Vice President, ISABELLA (IZZY) RIEL; Secretary of State, Dr. REID DICK YULIS; Secretary of Treasury, ELI TIST; Secretary of Defense, JACK EDWARDS; and the Chief of Staff all sit at a table to discuss the international emergency. All of them except JACK EDWARDS are sitting at the table, relaxed.
JACK EDWARDS
Alright- let’s cut the crap, what’s the situation.
(Silence. The others glance at each other, waiting for someone else to answer. Finally, the CHIEF OF STAFF clears their throat and reads from a folder.)
CHIEF OF STAFF
Well according to Miss Information, this situation is
both very serious and not a cause for concern at all.
JACK EDWARDS
(deadpan)
Great. Well that clears things up. really
IZZY RIEL
(cheerfully)
Well the important thing to know is that the president is fully engaged and ready to take whatever action necessary.
(Everyone stares at her doubtingly)
ELI TIST
Has anyone actually spoken to the president? Like ever?
IZZY RIEL
(nervously adjusting her blazer)
Well, define spoken. We’ve communicated… nonverbally, emotionally, spiritually…
(her voice trails off)
JACK EDWARDS
(angrily)
Alright, so no one has ever met or spoken to THE LITERAL PRESIDENT. Why is nobody freaking out about this? Who is running the country right now?! Why does nobody see this as a problem?!
DR. YULIS
Isabella has a point. Relationships and communication are not limited to the physical boundaries of our Earth and can transcend into spiritual spaces of-
(IZZY nods in agreement)
JACK EDWARDS
(Cuts him off)
STOP IT! Do you guys not realize how ridiculous this is? We have NO plan, the president is missing, and we’re arguing about the meaning of life!
ELI TIST
(leaning back in his chair)
I think you all are missing the bigger picture. Whether the president is here or not, who cares? I have a plan to revolutionize warfare- Foreign Aid
Subscription Services.
The room collectively groans.
ELI TIST
No, no. Hear me out. Countries subscribe to premium security packages with tiered benefits-Bronze gets you basic border security, Silver gets you drone surveillance, and Gold? Gold comes with a complimentary coup insurance policy. Think of all the money we could be earning!
CHIEF OF STAFF
That’s like… highly unethical. If not illegal.
ELI TIST
Look’s like someone is against economic growth.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Ok, let’s set the record straight. It says here in my records that the two countries involved are… Cordova and Laurustan?
DR. YULIS
Well in the context of our discussion, yes that’s what I’ve heard, but when you think about it, aren’t we all at constantly at war, living in indefinite
armistice?
The room collectively groans again.
JACK EDWARDS
I’ve never even heard of these places. Where even are they?
He pulls out a map, and the group huddles around to try to search for the countries. They scan for 30 seconds, unable to find them.
JACK EDWARDS
(to DR. YULIS)
And where did you say these countries were?
DR. YULIS
Well, they’re on the other side of the world. You know- in the East? Near the other countries that border them?
(the group, except for JACK, nods thoughtfully.)
IZZY RIEL
Well the President has suggested that we take action to support these countries, wherever they may or may not be.
JACK EDWARDS
(yelling)
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! You guys aren’t capable of anything! We’ve been here for 30 minutes, and nothing has gotten done. You (points to IZZY) have never even spoken to the President. You (points to ELI) want to treat the government like your damn startup! And you, worst of all (points to REID)- You think if you throw enough fancy words at a crisis, it’ll magically solve itself! Newsflash: Diplomacy isn’t a damn dissertation!
(storms out stage left, then turns back at the door)
Good luck running a country without a single functioning brain cell between all of you!
IZZY RIEL
Yikes. Harsh much?
DR. YULIS
It takes a true intellectual to understand the complexities of modern warfare. Some minds just aren’t ready for our level of intellect.
(The group nods again, affirming)
CHIEF OF STAFF
Well, Dr. Yulis, if it’s a simple matter of invasion, as we’ve heard, are there any plans to gather each party and have mediation?
DR. YULIS
Well, absolutely. I will commence mediation with them, and I believe the topic of borders is a very critical topic. What we really should be focusing on is the arbitrary creation of borders, and how the human race has confined itself to borders made by his ancestors-
ELI TIST
(cutting him off)
Alright, we get it! For the record, I think my plan is way better, but fine have your profitless little chit-chats.
DR. YULIS opens his mouth to speak but IZZY shoots him a glare.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Alright, I’ll alert Miss Information on the strong and decisive steps we’ve made today towards deescalation. Great work everyone!
LIGHTS FADE.
