It was dark when I woke up. But that was because my eyes weren’t open. I was scared to open them. I didn’t want to see the twisted world around me. Swinging my feet over the side of the bed, I looked at the floor. Remains of last night still scattered it and memories flooded into my vision, almost bringing my head back down to the pillow. Crumpled up, tear infused tissues in piles and shredded tissue boxes littered the once clean wood. I was almost scared to touch the floor, in fear of something laying underneath the mess, hiding and patiently waiting for me to get out of bed so it could drag me down into the spinning depths of whatever hell it came from. I let out a harsh laugh. Like I wasn’t already suffering enough. 

Unwillingly, I put my foot down and let it sink into the leftover sadness of last night. It was the worst episode I had gotten in a while, not allowing me to get even an hour of peaceful sleep. It was like a tornado, ripping through my head and leaving nothing but fear. It didn’t matter if my eyes were closed or open. The spinning shapes never disappeared. And the sound I heard was even more agonizing. My heart, rapping against my chest that prevented me from thinking about anything else.

Sighing, I slowly lifted myself onto my feet. A wave of dizziness automatically hit me and my heart sped up. I immediately sat back down and closed my eyes, gripping the sides of my head as I tensed my unmoving body. It was terrible, the feeling of being unstable and not being able to do anything about it. An aching pain drumming in my head and the feeling of inevitable hopelessness. Finally the pain slowly evaporated, but I knew that it was far from over. The battle was not yet won. And I wasn’t quite sure if it would ever be.

I let go of my head, my hands inching down towards the bed and my eyes fluttered open. The world was still. I let out a deep breath of relief. I couldn’t keep doing this. Getting up, laying back down. I was waiting for the perfect moment. But that was the thing: The moment I wished for, it would never come. 

Clenching and unclenching my fists, I tried to decide what to do. I looked at the clock. I had to get up. It was now or never. So I decided to squeeze my eyes shut and count down. Maybe the numbers would distract me from my pessimistic thoughts.

Five.

Please don’t be dizzy again.

Four.

Stay focused.

Three.

I can’t do this.

Two.

I need to do this.

One.

Well, here I go.

Zero.

I stood up. My eyes were still closed when I took my first step. And my second. And third. Then I opened them. My room wasn’t spinning. My head didn’t ache. I did it. I fought my demons and won.